it's okay not to be okay

I am not in a good place in my life.

I feel very fortunate to be where I am. I have a family who loves me, a roof over my head, food to eat whenever I want and need it, everything I need to survive and be happy.

And yet, I'm not.

I "graduated" therapy back in early May, a little over a month before I moved out of my parents' home. My therapist told me I had come a very long way since when I first started seeing her. Even now, my anxiety is under control. That, however, is not what is bothering me.

I feel as though there is a cloud over my head. I feel alone, and I feel as though there's nothing going for me. I finally get a job, and they give me two shifts before cutting contact with me. I haven't even been paid. I finally meet people, but they're not really my friends. It's like I'm getting setback after setback after setback.

Today I almost got given a $100 fine for not having the right identification for the train ticket I bought. The truth was, I couldn't afford to spend $4.50 on a train ticket. It would cost me $9 to go a single lecture, but I have to go - education right? So I bought a concession, which saved me almost $3. I have student ID so I thought I'd get away with it - but I almost didn't.

I have tried and tried and tried with Centrelink (the Australian welfare), but they're just not working for me. I have to call them, but all their phone systems are automated and I can't get the robot on the other end to understand what I need. There goes any benefits I'm eligible for. It has been two weeks since my first shift at a local cafe, and a week since I texted the manager asking for more work. No response. A payslip from the accountant, but no pay to go with it.

The worst part is I really rely on my friends for support, but it's not the same when it's over text or Facebook. I don't really have close enough friends here to talk to. Scratch that, I don't really have friends over here at all.

So to me, it feels like my life kinda sucks right now. I'm not okay. I haven't been blogging because I really haven't been up to it. I hope there are a few of you who understand and will still stay along for when I'm mentally healthy enough to write (cheerily) again.

I hope that wherever you are, you're faring better than me - and if not, lots and lots of virtual hugs for you, because it's okay not to be okay. You can also shoot me an email from the sidebar if you need to chat about any problems you're facing. I'm by no means a psychologist but we can support one another.

Lots of love xxx

mental health check-in

I have to be honest with you all - I haven't been feeling so wonderful lately. And that really sucks because I've been having quite the good streak. Last year was a really rough year for me and my mental health (you can read all about it here), so lately it feels like all the progress I've made has been for nothing.

Sometimes it's hard to keep your head high and muster through the struggle. My sister and I had a nice talk about it today - she told me that sometimes she gets so exhausted trying to fight it off that sometimes it's easier to simply succumb to the anxiety, and that really resonated with me. Anxiety (and other mental illnesses I'm sure) are absolutely exhausting sometimes. Really, most of the time. I only really started getting back to my full "normal" self a couple of months ago.

However now it feels like it's going downhill.

I know that it's the anxiety talking here and that I should ignore it, but it gets a bit more complicated than that. I've had a bad week and it makes me so sad and so annoyed and frustrated. I don't know what's brought it on. There have been hiccups this year, but nothing that compared to last year, until this week. That awful feeling of 'oh my god I'm going to throw up", the weird tingling numbness up my arms, the cold feeling in my ears, the dizziness, ugh.

What I can say, though, is that I'm trying. And that is really, really important. The other night I felt super anxious, but still managed to get out and about to see my friends. Sometimes, that can prove very beneficial. For example, I confessed to my friend about how I was feeling when I gave her a lift to the dinner we were going to, and it turns out she was feeling the same way. This was nice (in a way) as it meant we could check up on each other through the night. Tonight was really hard as it involved my boyfriend, and even though to me he is a place (for want of a better word) where I feel safe, but unless the environment we're in is my place, then that doesn't matter - I still get anxious. So I wanted to stay, and I tried really hard, but in the end I just had to leave so I could feel safe again.

It's also important to know that you're not weak for succumbing to anxiety. If what you need is to stay home under your blankets listening to the rain with your cat, then so be it. Make sure you stay mentally healthy. It's vital to make sure you're going to be okay, even if it's just for the next few days.

So I've had my little mental health check-in, how about you? How have you guys been feeling? If you've been feeling a little under the weather in any way, is there something you can do to change that? Remember to always take care of yourself. ♡

xx Silje

{a little side note: here is a really good article on what I was suffering from last year. it's a little different to my own experience, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone}

my anxiety story

*This post mentions vomiting quite a bit, so if you are sensitive to that sort of thing, feel free to skip this!*

Mental illness is a huge topic these days, as it should be. So many people are affected by it at least once in their lives, whether that's stress from work, anxiety over exams, prenatal depression, or something more permanent. Mental illness is a very important topic to me as it strikes very close to home, what with my family having hereditary problems with it including myself. I talk about it very openly because I want to detach the stigma that comes with it.

I have suffered from mental illness probably since I was a young child, I just didn't recognise it. In hindsight, I realise around the ages of seven to ten my feelings weren't that of a mentally healthy child - I had constant irrational fears of death and eternity that made me lock myself into rooms and cry until my mother would come find me and tell me it's alright, amongst other things. When I moved interstate this depression lifted, but the anxiety began as I was being bullied and I was going through puberty, making me not want to go to school and finding any excuse to stay home "sick". This bullying stopped at the end of the year, which helped my anxiety, but I still faced huge body image issues and became very self-conscious - I had small boobs, big calves, a horrible haircut, and a pimply face. Make up and push-up bras became my best friends for a few years, and mirrors my enemy. It wasn't as bad as some people have it, it was just the typical teenage thing, but it was still, frankly, crap. In year eight my depression came back and I suffered from days where I would just cry for no reason, or feel overwhelmingly tired, or just plain down in the most simple of terms.

However, this year has been the worst year when it comes to mental illness. Last Christmas I fell ill with food poisoning and spent the whole night throwing up. That's usually just an unfortunate event, and for me it was, but I absolutely hate vomiting. I was still okay after this, and brushed it off as annoying but not to be helped. A couple of months later, it happened again. This time, I was quite shaken, and my confidence began to fail. I was worried sick (literally) that I would throw up again. My fears came true when just two weeks later I threw up, again. That was when I really began to develop anxiety. I wouldn't be able to go out, I felt terrified when I had to perform for a class play, I called up sick to half my shifts, and I avoided eating certain/most foods. On my birthday, my boyfriend took me out to the cinemas and not even a quarter into the movie I had my first major panic attack. I'd had some previously but hadn't recognised them - in fact, one time I was at work and had to leave 45 minutes into my shift because I thought I had to go to the hospital, a common thought whilst having a panic attack. This attack was terrible, though, I was crying hysterically, felt like I couldn't breathe, and was sitting on the side of the road at nine o'clock during a bitter winter ready to throw up on the street. That was when I knew I had to get help.

After getting a referral from the GP, I visited a psychologist who dealt mainly with adolescents and young adults. I cannot tell you how much she has helped me with my anxiety. When I first did a test for anxiety, the results said that I had extremely severe anxiety, but I now only have a mild diagnosis. We found out that I have a type of anxiety known as panic disorder, which explained why I suffered from panic attacks so often, and that helped understand how to treat me both therapeutically and medicinally.

Because of anxiety, I had lost quite a fair bit of weight, I woke up in the middle of the night to throw up because I was so anxious about the next day, I was sick very often, and could never go out. With the help of cognitive therapy, graded exposure, and medication, this has stopped - my appetite has come back, I'm able to go out for meals, and I'm getting less and less sick.

I wanted to share my story with you because I find it so important that people are properly informed about mental illness, and how badly it affects people. And to those who are suffering from it, there is always help, no matter how much it doesn't feel it. In the worst part of my anxiety, I thought I would have to live like that forever, which was the worst feeling in the world. I had no idea how anyone or anything would be able to make me better, but here I am today. I still have the occasional bad day, or panic attack, but they're manageable. It really is important to educate yourself about this topic because of the amount of sufferers. In Australia, one in five people will experience a mental illness each year, and out of those only 35% used a health service and 29% consulted a GP. You can find more statistics at Mindframe.

I hope this post helped in any way. I'm very open to discussion so feel free to leave a comment or question below.